The artist who aims at perfection in everything achieves it in nothing. ~ Eugene Delacroix
Imagine labouring over a painting. You work at it for a couple of years and it’s quite beautiful. You decide to show it off, but before you can, doubt about whether it’s any good creeps in.
So you make a few changes. Not bad. But still that doubt nags.
Maybe it’s not fit for public consumption (says no one but the voice in your head). So you decide to stop feeding it and paint something else. And the process repeats. Except there’s this other painting in the corner, mocking you. Or maybe just trying to get your attention.
You consider burning the paintings, each in different stages of completion. But you can’t, because the paint and canvas meant something to others and you owe them a painting. But in your mind the art is garbage.
Only in your mind. Your heart knows it’s special. Meaningful. Powerful. But your heart fears the judgements that will come. Because your heart has been dinged up over art before.
This scratchy metaphor is, maybe obviously, my relationship to art, specifically film.
Seven years ago today I was deep into the first week of my first feature film, 48 Hours in Purgatory. I was learning on the job. It was a great experience and before I knew it I was rolling with some excellent people who believed in me and made another film. And another. As of today, I have directed two shorts, two commercials and five feature films, with number six coming this fall.
Sounds pretty good for a seven year old film career. The problem is that every film but that first one has remained in my chamber of anguish leering at me for keeping them hidden from the world.
In the recent past my friend Mitch watched a rough cut of my second film, “Inspiration”. He liked it and jumped in with both feet to get it finished and out into the world. And that is happening very shortly, despite the way my mind bristles at the idea.
The film that followed Inspiration was “The Ghost is a Lie”, successfully crowd-funded and shot with a heap of great new talent. But it never felt good enough to show off. This time my friends Heath and Kat jumped in, with Mitch right there to really kick things into gear, and re-invigorated that film. It will now be two films! Double the puke-inducing fear of inferiority.
Lastly of the trifecta of terror is Alison Undone, a nightmare odyssey of communication breakdowns and misunderstandings. But following this new track, AU is in process and headed to the public eye, come-what-may.
I’m thankful for the people who brought me face-to-face with my own self-sabotage, even those who didn’t know they did.
So officially, to everyone I have frustrated these last few years: I’m sorry. Terrific actors, amazing crew-people, fantastic business partners, friends and family who have believed in me long after I’ve overstretched the reasonable bounds of grace.
The taps of these stories are about to open and it will be out of my hands and into your minds to judge whether the art is for you or not.
I guess it starts in June with a really cool project I shot with long-time partner-in-crime, Mike Klassen, 9 Days with Cambria.
This is a wandering mess, but transparency is the new name of the game. We’re going to succeed or fail in plain sight. No more imaginary monsters.
I wanted to give something away to anyone who made it to the end of this thing, but I can’t. Below, however, is the link to rent or buy 48 Hours in Purgatory. I hope you check it out and I hope it makes you think or feel things, good or bad.
With tortured, artsy-fartsy love,
JSn
When They Awoke 
The creative process:
1) I have an idea
2) This is awesome
3) It has some flaws
4) This is crap
5) I am crap
6) It has some flaws but I can work with it
7) This is kind of awesome